like a car

Like a car which is through the miles roads, life is just like that. That car may slow its speed or may stop for the gasoline charges. Life is just like that. You may on the top of your power, you do everything with joy and spirit, and it is possible for you to stop for a while to take a rest whether you are too fatigue or maybe you just need take a deep contemplating for the conditions you thought not go so well and feels like it is like a hell till the end.

A car has some broken and it is needed to be fixed, your life too. Your body and soul need to be fixed when you’ve realized something wrong with them, you soon go after the medicine. A car have been through a miles away of roads, it was very nice on the journey. Life is just the same, you go somewhere, taking a new experience, learning from difference custom of the people, adaptation or just spoil your soul and your senses.

Imagine you like a car on the road with a high speed there is no other vehicle, feeling the air, feeling the freedom, feeling the pain you have that takes you miles away to the state where you stand today. Maybe you loath so much the pain but with no them surrounding us there was no you like today. The person who challenged the life to make her life is better and free then ever.

I have to fight for my life till the end even the pain can kill myself, even it is so hurt, I am not going down, it is worthy for life, for the better life.

this Adha

Happy Adha anyway..and i don't meant for ruining the Adha means.

why people always said
" Oh i could not celebrate and laughing with my mom, my dad, and my brothers..and all of my family on my family tree's graph.."

Oh really!!! why while you said those words you stare it my eyes and my face then see the difference before and after you do saying like crying baby-way and whining over it.

i hate it, when people said that.

you know what, i don't even celebrate and say i am sorry to ayah, ibu...for this three years Adha is passed. i really feeling terrible and get angry for it.

just a minute ago i heard my neighbour screaming out : Gilang, Gery sini dulu, mano anak papa ni, Salaman dulu..."

ayah is used to do that when we were done Adha prayer. ayah was always the one who came the last after pray, his voice cracking and said.." mano anak ayah ye..." then i go after him with hug and kiss...while Ibu prepare for the impatiently eaters.. i used to do those things long ago.

Allah, why a day, like Adha, i feel don't belong anymore. i feel really terrible when these day come cause i could not celebrate it with my family. and i feel so wicked cause this is the thrice i do not go for Adha pray. Adha may not mine since 2005. with not Ibu and ayah around me, i am in the darkness...

anyway, i go hate myself.

a woman

such a weird day or i can say it a weird and fatigue week. these are chronicles :

1. i got news from Agus, on Wednesday 3rd. he was reported that we are ready to go to Yogya on Sunday 7th.
2. on Thursday 4th, i went to Vice Rector III asking about out technically departure and when we are going to land on Yogya. but bureaucrat is a hell thing on the earth ever! why is it go like crazy and mess up. make i and agus go up and down stair and go around the rectorat building for make this appearance at Yogya becomes true. final things is our budgeting is approval and the amount is about 8 million rupiah.
3.cause our additional class for AKL was canceled so i can go to Indralya for obtain the money. it was Friday 5th, my will is go to Indralaya and on my way in area of Palembang, i got a messages from Agus, he said, the event on Yogya is canceled cause Merapi has eruption again, and this is the big one ever since 26 th October the first eruption. so, the event is re-schedule on December. knowing that, i suddenly stop the bus right away to RSUP and doing what i wanna do on August, donor my blood.

on my way yo the PMI office,the building is right behind the RSUP, someone stopped me, a woman, around 40's and needs help. i actually not believe that she really needs help. she said that she is a victim of thief and need money for transportation back to her place. she prove it by showing the force-cutting on her bag to me. she said she have a family member but they are not in the place that she thought. well, i don't know what to do, but out of the deception, i hand over my Rp. 20.000 to her. she said thanks to me. she left and i continue my path.

i was thinking how if she has been lying to me and i bought it, if it's right, do i need feeling sorry or anger for her, because on one side she needs money if both of her motivate is fooling me or she is really the victim of thief. i should count this thing is charity thing, no angry just sorry for her whether or not she is lying or not about the thief.

WTF

Lately, i was feeling so having fun with my friends and my days. Yuli said that i am the one who act like child around us. well, i am being the youngest one and surrounded by my sticky best friends Pia (21 y.o), Vhani (20 y.o), Pazkah (20 y.o), Yuli (20 y.o) and Nia (concern it as 20 y.o cause she getting old one year on Nov 11)..and i am left 19 y.o..

i need to clarify, actually i am mature, dude! compare with you all (them above) i still like, much-much like as you call it when you were playgroup such as jumping, bouncing, loud of laughter, bite Vhani and other things you do when you were playgroup. but, that's it!

i am free, you can not force me, i do everythings that i like. and i don't really give a shit about what people comment about the way i act. i love the way i am. it's clear.

but on mindset-side i am more deeper, sensitive, and philosophy..recalled i am having a big crash, losing my Ibu, it was big thing and it has changed me.


and about being 20 y.o currently makes me stressed. i am gonna miss my teenage. and when i get my 20 i won't this 20 y.o restrict me to those ways i like..considered that i don't like become 20 y.o. 20 y.o means no excuse when you act like child and when people see that weird stuff you do on 20 y.o they'll said 20 y.o form with 4 y.o behave.

this is the me-when-20 y.o list :
1. being 20 y.o means you are in boundaries from children-act. less the talk, no loud laughter, wiser...huftt.
2. i am getting older, it is fitrah. i can't ignore it. and i have admit it to my sociality.
3. i could not mock my best friend who is 20 y.o while i am 20 y.o..it means i mock to my self..huhh
4. i need to concern about my body, my mind, and lecture.
5. being 20 y.o means there is another year for you to going through 21, 22, 23, 24.....(if you have time). i feels like need more shoulder to carry them on. people asking you to more serious and concern about LIFE and LIVE.
6. i have to deal with diet..arghhhhh
7. MAYBE i change my point of view when i face problems or stuff
8. more calm down.
9. and i am gonna miss the way when people asking, how old are you, and i said very proudly, i am nineteen..:D

Allah, i don't meant it, like ain't have any grateful for the one year minus of my time on earth. Allah, i accept it. but my society, maybe. they ask me, you are not allowed for this...and bla..bla..huffttt

anyway, i am going 20 y.o on January 13th..this note reflect about my best friend who is going 20 y.o, Nia, and based on the born-logical-time the next is me, and i don't know why it has the effect on me.

it is written

"Sesungguhnya kami menurunkannya berupa Alquran dalam bahasa Arab" (Yusuf:2)

tonight what i longing since 7 days ago is over and I can read it again. the Alquran. and fortunately, i found an expression from the Holy Alquran, you can see the sentence above.
those words which is having me in questioning for this long time that i have tried to found the exactly place where its written in the Alquran.

around 2006, i have a project completely finish for reading and reaching the means of Alquran's said, i mean Allah said in the Alquran. but i was not completely fulfill the project, i have just read the Arabic, and sometime if i have my mood i would read the means too.then i have a fate with those words above. i am so interested in with the line and the idea, why should Allah create the Alquran in Arabic, not create in the other language. i supposed it because Muhammad SAW was born in Arab and maybe its have a connection, but i ask myself back why Allah choose a man from Arabic?

i have so many question in my mind but i am not asking or searching it on the internet, so that question just fade from my short memories, but in my heart they are still. Why Allah create the Aquran in Arabic?

short story version : i forgot where the exactly place those words is written, and i am hoping to find it again.

and tonight i found it and i will asking to my senior Why Allah create the Alquran in Arabic?

i thought it was so easier like you do something alone, no one will interrupt you and somebody have to take care of or when you go some where, you exactly know the place you headed is. no need for waiting anybody. walking around, seeing something new, observing what you had seen. but, today..socialize is more fun than anything, when you make a circle with you friends, make some laugh, doing an idiot things, mock somebody,

and..the things we do today, the insanity, i'll never forget it..

uda dan uni

sekarang, aku sedang mendengarkan dua orang paling aneh, dua orang yang aku sayang, dua orang yang aku berharap mereka bisa berakhir dengan sesuatu yang istimewa.

dan aku sangat rela kalau jadi bahan ejekan sebagai topik obrolan mereka. dikatain ngegelinding, dikatain sering cemberut..dan banyak lagi..

jangan be idak bejadian!!

my new room

this is my new bedroom, and i am feeling so comfort and enjoy my new room, fresh air and new sight..

i have changed the sofa to the dispenser spot. make up my wardrobe and books.
though it was so tired, sweat, and dusty.. i am happy cause my room went clear, clean, wider, and it is so tight be in here :) and of course my scent is spreading around.

PIZZA HUWI

YOUR NEW LIFESTYLE
ENJOY!

in between

i am quite surprised about i passed the requirement for being a SAHABAT WISDOM and November 1st, Agus and I, ready to go to UGM University. but, Agus said that we are not go there as a LO Liason Officer but as a participant. and as far i know about being a participant , you have to prepared one presentation about the event and of course your point of view, in English, not Bahasa. well, it quite challenge my self but i am not pretty sure to speak in front of many people who expert on their own field.

Allah, please help, there are another things to worry about. my AKL test and research methodology, i am not find a title yet. please Alah help me, make me strong to pass all of them. i am so worry, when i decided to choose go to UGM University, i have to stay there at least twelve days and i am pretty sure i missed all at least 2 meeting, and they are both are not easy to pass with a good score. it scheduled on Nov 2nd a AKL 2nd test with Mr. Arista is held, and 6th of Nov is proposal presentation. ya Allah..help me please.

make them, all of them happen in a good ways and i can handle them both. Amin. and thanks a lot Allah..for make this dream happened.

define individualisme

this is the reason why i want to be an individualisme

first, because you don't have to be care to anyone problems. let they make up and overcome their own problem without you interrupt them. but i still thinking deeper about why people wants to know the others problem while they have more problems, is it a problem when you don't know anyone problems?

second, it's a habits in my country, Indonesia, gossip is the highest ranking of tv channel. infotainment have a blast and everybody, especially housewives who is heard from her neighborhood about a musician's scandal,run to the house, get a remote tv soon, turn on ,and a provocative, hi-pitched voice airing. see, everyone love Gossip.

third, when you become an individulist, you are more safe from the sins, cause when you are a part of society who love gossip much then you realize that it's not health for your soul, you quit and it's make you a people who just stay away from sins. congrats!

fourth, people around you are more happier cause the have a friend who don't want to be a Dr.gossip who might say things which hurt anybody.

so, why we just be a individulisme who don't care about people scandal. i don't care about social science point of view, gossip as a control social and every things.

this is individulisme what i mean.and maybe i will become a strictly individualist when this world get more worse.

world revolves and they are still

some people born in this world, and i don't know why, they are used to make this world more worse, they do total destruction. some times i am asking to myself and i answered back to mine, do i belong to those kind of people. I hope i ain't. but when i met to those people, my point for them is "better you go hell man!" insulting them makes me more satisfied. do that point makes me closes to them. i hope not.



i hate the way they act like childish and selfish and utterly makes me want to vomit. i loathe them and feel like it's not make any sense for doing some communication or greeting to them.



i wish i born like Hulk, when i got angry then transform my body to giant green who save the world and help those people easier to get the place they deserve and fit with. Amin.



but i know while the worlds revolves they are still live even a lot.

suddenly sins

everyday i woke from my sleep and i suddenly for the first of my blink i evaluate every things, detail thing and a big stuff, i do correction. that things just came up from my head, and my brain trying to remember what is in the past and choose whether it was the correct one or the bad stuff. and every time my brain find out a little thing about mistaken, i got irritate, i promise to myself not do that again but i just know it's all about me, myself and i who gonna do, again, the wrong i had before.

everyday, we do sins and i think it's time to think about it a lot, i feel like we are on the emergency condition, we are in the end of time, just waiting for the blow up of the earth and universe. and i don't know if i do really prepare about that time.

huh, i hope i get heaven soon after i went to the hell ..amin.

cemetery

Cemetery. When I was there, when I walked on the way to the cemetery , I am tryng to raised up some memories about her. About the one who I am gonna give the world for her best, the one who I let down and the one who I am most pitiful about. It was easy for me to makes those memories comes up and those memories always makes me cry and screaming in my heart. Why!! I hate the way the things could go like this! I hate it. She’s always on my mind, from the time I wake up till I close my eyes and before I go bed, I’ll thinking about her, about how disappointed her about me, how blessed me to have mom like her and how her cursed makes her life like hell when she was with me.. that’s so makes me wanna kill myself.
Mom, there are some people said to me that there are three charity that never gonna stop to help you after you death and its have some Nur to light up your grave. And when I was at cemetery, I thinking about it hardly. I’ve thinking about how you make your charity. Then .. i closed my eyes and try to remember who are you and what you have done. (1) you were a religion guru, and there is a fine line between was being a teacher and doing da’wah..so you got your charity, amal jariyah, (2) you’re a child and a woman, and when I live with you, I know you were a good child, you have a kind with grandma..so you got your charity, a good child, (3) as all people know that you were educated and a teacher, so all you know about Islam you’ve transferred it to your students so you got your charity, shared your knowledge and it’s useful. Utterly, it has into you.
Wow, you’re amazing mom.
Last night, before I went sleep I closed my eyes and try to remember how your face was… it’s makes me feel sad, it’s hard to me to remember the exact face, remember the time we’ve spent together at home and outside. But suddenly, like a light, your face comes like a picture, then you smile to me, I compared it to my smile..well, it’s same, same like my smile..i saw your laugh, same like me..oh..i am glad I could remember those things.
This morning, I went to Etek Indah’s house..and in the end of the visiting, I told Etek Indah’s mom to pray for me for my success. She remarked “ Hadirke Umak kau…”. I got silent.
I’ve never expected that those words comes out. I am feeling motivate and inspiring.
Look Mom, how your greatness influence me so real.

Mom in Allah’s heaven.
May Allah forgive all of your sins, light your grave on, and till death do us meetings and take our time in heaven. I hope you’re still as you’re in my memories. Don’t get older nor younger. Amin.
With big love
From your cursed daughter

May Allah answers what I pray for my life

How long time has passed and I do not write some memories? A week or more than a month? Seems that memories aren’t kept in the box that happened to be in. I wish I could rewind those things which is I’ve been through but I couldn’t even remember when those things happened in my daily, what date and day. Apparently, I just got to be older than I am now.

Tonight I do not wanna talking about what happen today, I just want to talk about life and what my dreams is.

I want do something that I eager to do that, well everybody wants to.

I have a mind in design. Particularly, I want to see insight what Corel draw have. I want to explore my skill to use that program beside I used to using that program to make some design and I love design and I love to see when my pieces pinned on the wall and people see it. But, why there is no big desire from my heart to do that and make it real. Is that signed that I am just having time with design? Actually, when I was schoolchild I love to see model walking on the catwalk and see what they got on their own body and of course the clothes designs.

I have a mind to live in New York and I’d go around there, see what the city got. See the people do and go for work. I mean, I just got stunned when I see them so making do. I don’t have any specific way how I got there whether it’s just because I am so freaky rich or I got scholarship in New York University. Ha..

I have a mind to marry with overseas guy. I just want to make lifestyle just like theirs. I mean, how they teach their child and they are grown up with a good health and mind, see the child go through their school life succeeded, they have bright life, and others good things in your life with your family.

I have a mind to become the fame nature photographer, fashion week photographer too . Laying hands on the achievement for being the best photographer ever. Wow.. so grateful I am.

I don’t want to become a great accountant or working on the accounting spot. I feel like I don’t go up for that and I do not meant to be so ungrateful but I just not that into accounting.

I don’t want to be a civil servant.

One day, I am gonna have pets. A tomcat with a three color and have a long tail, angora one, a turtle, a baby tiger, a rabbit, and kitty. 

I have one eager desire. I will make this happen. And I am praying to Allah please make this pray happen. I want to go to Holly Land, Mecca with Ayah.

I have some plan for my sisters and brother if I have a chance to become a deadly rich women. Amin.

For Ayu, I will register her to the boarding school. She has to get scholarship after finish school. Though I know she’s not really good at school. But I really wish she have a bright future. Ayu will be a detective women, or lawyer, or singer. She’ll be professional of those kinds.

For Ririn. I am going to enroll her in an agency in town because she has good looks. Ha.. I am kidding. I will insist her to wear veil though. Ririn is a cute, naughty, and attractive girl so I am going to put her in to boarding school too. Ririn will be an adventurer, housewives, chief of editor of fame mags.

For Ikal. I do not really know this guy, how his personality, but he sort of a gentle guy and friendly. I’d let him choose whatever he want to be. But definitely I will suggest him to take one place in engineering faculty, major of study mining. I am being snappish waiting for him to grow up and be a man. Cause he’s on the third place after Ayah and I who’s going to bring up our family.

Maybe this is the last thing I want to have in my life, die in a good way.

May Allah answers what I pray for my life. Amin.

ruin week and blessed road for better thoughts

This is my first posting notes on my fb account, officially. Obviously, everyone can see that i've posted things about taxation..but i'm not called that as a note.
I am in the living room, listening music, somebody to love from queen >nice song really, lay down my bones on the sofa with the half dark light. I'm trying do some creativity imagination.. But, seems like i can't got there!! Agh..i hate this time, too much chaos in a week, first my slot memory got screwed up by viruses and its gave an effect to my ponsel unwork properly..but then it's going out well because of my geniusity..
Now, my cartridge was broken, maybe it is caused by my feet, it's unconditionally move, i was sorry cause i kicked its bump. And i think that kick drove some broken to the cartridge! Oh..i know i used to apply my rude and rough to my hardware.. You know it's kinda a rugby game.
And the winner of the choas is i am on the spot of insufficient of money.. Yeah! What a great life. Just keep up girl! I can through all this messed up and everything and ruin is going to returns the way it was :)

death

this is 5 july..at night

Oo..GOD ! I really eager do hedonism things. I miss that things much when i was at first semester. I do what i wanna do. Walking around the mall, look up pasar 16, seeing what people do, and take the wise things then realize how Allah give His blessing on me. And now i just missing that. I was being so productive when i am on that point. Experiencing what people do only in my mind.

Uhh.. What a bad around guy. He's smoking, its ashes and smoke goes to me. And his wife already got cough then i am using my unfriendly face like i wanna slap him and using my gross staring eyes at him! Uhh.. Why he's not got my messages??

Back to my point. I want do some to entertaint my self, get my dizzy soul. Well, after this final exam week, i am going to make it up for you, my soul...

I wanna go to Mall, karaoke, go to 21 theater, window shopping...but if i have enough money..well, there's no one could blame me if i am buy stuffs :)

Scent good air.

I'm in the middle of hectic glamour area.. Well, we're in uni qq yudisium. And this event ain't start yet while people are waiting and murmuring! As i know i will through some things like this next 2 years..i am excited too, seeing people celebrate their graduated. Wish luck around you pals!!

Blessed roads.

Why people won't fight for their own life?
I'm gonna fight for all the best things in my life, even it'll be so in pain, i'm not let my self down.. And when i'm at that point, i'll emphasize and insist to my self, never stop fighting. All i have to do is believing and say that everythings happened is good for me, and next time, when i lose, i am gonna make it up for sure :)

i'm on the bus now, on the road from indralaya to palembang.. Looking throuh the window, It's cloudy though, i wish the rain won't pouring me down when i get home.
Inspiring and Blessing road.

Blessed roads.

Why people won't fight for their own life?
I'm gonna fight for the best things in my life, even it'll being so pain, i'm not let down.. And when i'm at that point, i'll emphasize and insist to my heart, never stop fighting. All i have to is believing and say that everythings happened is good for me, and next time, when i lose, i am gonna fix it and make it up for sure :)

i'm on the bus now, on the road from indralaya to palembang.. Looking throung then window, It's cloudy though, i wish the rain won't pouring me down when i get home.
Blessed road.

on Wednesday, i was being blood donor, then i after transferred my beloved blood in the blood bag i got faint and next day feels no good. I've never expected i could get faint. i am pretty sure about the rules of the blood transferring. but i don't know why it;s go with on that way. FAINT!

But for sure i am gonna say, when I go faint, it's TOTALLY COOL man! i feel my body, its reaction..

and now, i am missing my blood, where them go anyways??

i promise to my self gonna fill that list blood donor till its get 50 time being blood donor.

lunch tadi..bareng Yuli dan Nia, membicarakan tentang bagaimana dakwah itu dan bagaimana dakwah yang ku jalani sekarang. deep breath taking and exhales. bagaimana jadinya kalo saya tetap seperti ini tanpa ada kemajuan dalam hal berdakwah, termasuk berkorban spenuh hati, jiwa, dan raga di dalamnya, nantinya ketika para angkatan tua meninggalkan kampus, regenerasi di mulai dan bagaimana jika yang selama ini mereka (baca : angkatan tua) berikan kepada saya belum cukup untuk mengembangkan wadah dakwah ini. bagaimana ketika saya ikut dalam dakwah dan karena ketidaktahuan dan kedangkalan saya tentang nya dan kemalasan saya untuk menguliknya dakwah itu lebih dalam ia akan menjadi lebih buruk dari sebelumnya. jadi bagaimana ini?

btw, talking about this,it's just something i've never expected to talk about. but, i like. and i like being MAHASISWA.

MY AYAH

when you realize that someone who's u, all this time, said as your hero now is a loser. he's always be your guardian, you tell everyone about him proudly, he's a guy that you can always lay your head on his shoulder when you are in hard time, he's the one you always meant hear, the only one of your adviser, and you reckon on him. . but, now he's just pathetic. he is miserable.

but i could bear that loads for all my life. since he loves me, i love him and since he's always tell his friends that i am one of his blessing in disguise sweetheart daughter. and having me is the best things that ALLAH sent in his life. :))
i will always love him till the end of my life and respect him. i love my AYAH.

freaky wed day

hari ini, rabu, sebenernya ndak ada kuliah, tapi teutep ...pergi ke kampus karna ada rapat global panitiia Asean Islamic Economic Summit (AIES) i am letterally so proud for being one of commitee of the first international summit in UNSRI. early morn, wake up lately caus e i am about in women being phase..bangun, ke kamar mandi, jemur pakaian yang udah di bilas kemarin malem..truss mandi..ini-itu, ini-itu..then I leave kos.

walked alone, i saw Nia from the far spot. We both got into the queued.. but everyday just the same, there're so many stupid people who didn't make a queue, they sabotage our bus.. i hate them much! sometime, i shouting them loudly. but they don't even feel the sound of hatred in my voice. now, i treat and call them as some stupid people. back the queued, ada 2 seat lagi yang tersisa...jadi we're with doubt got in the bus.. afterwards the bus stopped, i know something not going on its own way. ya..pecah ban. jadi kita turun ke dari bis dan pindah ke bis belakang. Nia said, do not ever go up if we're in doubt. i think, it's go bursttyres though. no correllation.

jadi waktu nyampe di kampus, langsung ke mang odong, jajan pempek dan beli donat dengan Siska. truss langsung ke corner, nyampe sana..mba nya lum dateng, jd nunggu dulu.. we have inquality chatter, finally, the mbak was came. jadi langsung surfing the internet. lama------entah browsing apa, tapi yang pasti buka FB dan blogger.

well, i am gonna complete the story of today later... gonna cut it off awhile. i am too tired beside @ my straight ahead, some award tv show on air.

tada.. i am in corner now, trying to continue the story.

but i ain't really wanna finish this though.

something new

i got something new last night. i got new software, some utilities to make my desktop more cool and simply. new desktop gadgets and new software like blog, its used for write something like diary. well, quite useful for me, but seems like its make my laptop bit slowly, maybe its have big capacity memory i guess!! looks like i am gonna turn off of that gadgets!

currently, i know that my fund wasn't receipt by me. i don't know why, i hope it's not in the middle of trouble things or something like admins error that can make it delay to sent into my bank account!i've ever in that messed up, i swear to God i won't never had that mess again! well, today i am gonna check it out. wish me luck!

yea..well, i am about in the middle of darkness. electricity's off down cause there's electricity power have broken. ya, currently i am not really feels sorry about this condition though. oyaa..uni qq just telling me that there is three kitties with their mom upstair.OMG..i directly go upward to see them then ta da..there just t
the mom seeing around no kitties (hardschoffs). actually, this phone is in an rush minutes to dead. i should have finish this typing keypad annoying sound immediately! bye then!

Gosh! How stupid i am! This is my second foolish.. I've written my posting then the last act is press the posting but.. Then, i just suddenly press back..but i ain't yet save my post! Ugh.. Did i mention, i wrote my post via phone! Well, this is suck thing!

weird dreams

sudah 3 hari terakhir ini aku mimpi aneh.

malam pertama. aku bermimpi tentang malam. mungkin ini represent dari kesukaan ku terhadap malam. ya , malam. aku suka dia. apalagi ada bulan dan mbintang yang menghiasinya. cantik dan mempesona. suatu wajtu aku pernah tidur di teras atas sambil memandang langit. begitu indahnya. kembali ke mimpiku.. aku seakan-akan terbang ke langit dengan sebuah rumah terbang. seperti sebuah film berjudul Zathura. aku bisa menjangkau setiap benda langit. bintang-bintang saling berhubungan membuat setiap rasi. erm..seperti software stellarium yang diberikan Vhanie. didalam mimpiku ada seorang laki-laki aku lupa mukanya. yah..kebanyakan kita pasti akan lupa jika ada kehadiran seseorang tak dikenal dalam mimpi. bagian yang paling ku ingat adalah aku melihat sebuah balon udara dengan tali yang masih mengait yang terbang melayang di angkasa. layaknya balon yang terlepas dari pegangan seorang anak kecil. balon itu mendekat ke arah ku, langsung saja ku raih talinya dan balon itu kuberikan kepada laki-laki itu. hm quite weird i think..

malam kedua. aku bermimpi tentang perjodohan ku. aneh. di mimpi itu, ada ibu dan ayah. kami masih tinggal di Muaradua. entahlah, darimanan awalnya aku berada di bagian atas rumah kami. disana sednag berlangsung acara kumpul-kumpul, entah apa yang dibicarakan. tapi kerja ku disana hanya ngelawak bersama beberapa gaids yang tak ku kuanal. tiba-tiba nenek ku menyapa seorang kakek. kakek itu mengeluarkan hp dan sebuah foto. foto itu dia berikan kepada nenek..kemudian kakek itu berbalik membelakangi nenek sambil mengetik sms..dan nenek menuju ke arahku dan memberikan foto itu. seorang laki-laki dengan pakaian adat lengkap melihat ke arah ku. wajahnya aku ingat, mukanya panjang kecil, matanya belok, dan tinggi. seperti orang arab. setelah itu aku lupa apa yang terjadi, tiba-tiba....membuka mata dan bangun dari tidur. aku keluar dan melihat jam. 5 subuh uhhh.. sambil tertawa dan menutup muka, [sighs] aku melupakan hal yang terpenting. aku lupa menghidupkan alarm hp ku, bangun untuk nonton bola inter vs barca.

malam ketiga. ini yang paling aneh! aku bermimpi sesorang membuatkanku sebuah kolam berenang, sebenarnya itu bukan kolam berenang hanya galian rendah yang cukup luas, persegi panjang yang kemudian diisi air berwarna aneh, antara biru, abu-abu, agak hijau tua. tapi entah mengapa kau merasa kolam tanah itu akan menjadi kolam berenang. selanjutnya, semuanya tampak kacau, seperti film yang diputar cepat, agak kabur dan gelap. dan tiba-tiba aku sudah berada bersama seorang wanita dan ugh..we both kisses in lust. ughhhhhhhh..... and the worst is i couldn't even erase that dreamt out of my head.

well, all of all, i wish that those weird dream would never happen in my real life. i hope so. but Thanks Allah, still gimme chances to dreaming. :)

in my room with open door following with agif's voice on the telephone. he's become a great and smart boy. he can operating laptop and open some website specially babytv.com..
oya..great boy definitely.

well, this is my first open my blog, and write some on line and post it directly i hope so!
i've borrowed Vhani's phone modem. she's very kind with people. Loves her!
well, actually i'm about find on the internet about diversifikasi and diferensiasi kinda marketing management task.

emergency in time. bye!

more weak...

i am feeling so weak today, beside i got flu plus it's make me feeling so annoyed with this first day of women being!! it's give me in pain..

erm...last evening i and uni kiki went to uni qq's friend. at first, i thought hers address not too far. then i realized we've walked more than 20 minutes. seems like i am wanna take my legs down. before we go, uni qq have emphasized me do not complaint or even if i got tired don't get faint! she's so meant it...hahha..

it's so tired though..we've both have hi quality chatter..

Untitle

I'm now..in the middle of suffucient of money. Never expected this happened since i've finished my junior school.
Anyway, i'm still thankful to Allah. HE gimme nice grandma who always think that i'm the only her grandchild. So thats why, she's gonna help me though if i'm in troubled.

In planned, ayah gonna send me some money. Thanks God.
Wanna XO him much. I know how hard to through all this chaos. Allah please give him strength to pass out.
Later, I hope I intend to make him happier. I hope..

My 2nd posting..

This is my 2nd posting to my blog within 20mnt. Even there's no reader or follower, it's not my motive why I create my blogs..well, this is kinda my advocation.
It's better for me to updating my blog than updating my status on FB!

Btw, i don't get some texted from my friends would says "it's akm, nisa! Where r U?"
well, i guess it ain't akm yet! Ha..

For the first time..

My first time sat down at the behind seat in transmusi. Comfort, I definitely had my time wit this.. Haa..
Btw, i think all of my friends now in the middle of akm 2.. I just got my bus. Cause i thought the bus will take long time to get the halt, so I use the time to take my bubur ayam breakfast. It's a vendor.. I'm feeling so gud. Hmm..its high protein n carbo.. Enough for thru the rough time.

OMG! I just saw a woman who have same sweeter wit me..well, ain't weird cause I bought it when the sale up to 50%..
I pray to Allah, may all the things i've achieved is gud things which within Allah blessing and may all the things will come out for today, it ain't useless. Amin.

An update..

Since my last posting, it's feels much week have been thru..while i have many twister thoughts bout my collage..

There's adds times for mgt acc for int'l class this evening. We have much lost meet cause Mr. Sulaiman or others lectures too busy to share their liabilities time for us. I don't know why they supposed to not came while time get rush to the mid term exam.
After that, i'll take Uda's promise to pick me up back to Perum.. I don't know, maybe this nite we gonna celebrate uni's final graduate exam :)

addicted

Gossip Girl here… your one and only source into the scandalous live of Manhattan’s elite. And who am I? That’s the secret I’ve never tell. You know you love me.
XOXO Gossip Girl.

Spoted! This April, start with watching Gossip Girl GG season 3. Now, I am curious what they have on the 15th episode. I hope GG adds more things with Chuck and Blair. I love them. They are self centered damage people but they both caring people around them, caring them, and seems like they get easy way out when bear the loads. And I love to see they both XO I feel that romance. I don’t think this season gonna be great and hot and sex and much romance tension for them than season 2. I love watching over and over season 2. Cause its show the complication of love between Chuck and Queen B. They bet, who’s gonna win and be the first who tell loves to the other. I love their fighting and forcing each others. The director keeps them have romance tension though. Beside, I love their wardrobe, it’s gorgeous, the jacket and dress, and every single coat and tuxedo Chuck’s wears, and I love them all. I love their style. I wish C and B in their lives as Ed and Leighton were belong together into love. Ed supposed to be with Leighton not Vannesa ( I don’t know her real name).

I hope I get my 6 million from scholarship and if it’s happen then I’ll buy the complete 2nd season GG. I know sound ridiculous but that’s makes sense… beside I Love it and wanna book my collection; I have enough money to buy it.

fillthy words

This morn I thought that I get ME back. I felt it. Feels like I get my spirit, cheers upon my face, my glee. And something just ruined that when the daybreak came. Actually, I felt terrible and bad when intermediate quiz going on. The lecturer didn’t give the appropriate question. She just intends to make the long-long question but we don’t understand its mean. In fact, the question was so differ from her explanation @ class. And when I asked her to repeat the question cause it’s too long and I ain’t sure about what I heard. She looks got upset when I asked it. Ugh.. What a suck lecturer!

When I got home, my grandma insists me to wash her clothes. The chaos just born. I was too tired. I ain't getting back immediately when class dismissed. I and Pia get back to house, cleans up and taken some my stuffs. It’s full of emotions when I discuss about our suck house that always getting flood when rain comes, Pia wanted to stay at house and not go back to her bro home. And she asked me to stay too at Monday. But I neglect that bad idea. We have to prevent all the bad things that can be showed up. 2 days ago at 2 o clock, it’s hard rain. Suddenly the water enters into the house and we couldn’t stay in and we both won't to clean that shit, so we waiting out of damn house till break dawn. Huh….!!! By the way, I have to insist Pia and make sure I won't to spend her night at that damn house with a bad scent flooding shit.

About my grandma, I am still upset to her, but I already told Ayah about her behave to me. Looks like I just saying about the cruel grandma is. Ayah advice me to be patient, she just old lady and you need to help her. Imagine if you don’t have her, she’s gone and left the regret of yours. Just tell her that you're too tired and need a rest.

You know, when some sucks things annoying me then I call and share it to Ayah, feels like my entire burden just gone and I just accept and do what Ayah orders me. Every advice that Ayah told me I exactly did it. Ayah is the only one of my best listener and adviser man. I just had to tell him what my problems is and after that I feel the problems already done.
None of my friend’s advice that I am fully agree and I did. They just like me, some is wise, they take my place and say what they suppose to do if they stand on my feet. But I ain't them; they don’t know what’s in me.

chill out .

i just wondering why people staring at me when i brought my big travel bag while i am waiting for transmusi. it's just a big bag, doesn't means anything, ain't big deal huh.. you know, it's makes me lost my mood besides i forgot to bring my ponsel. ugh..what a sucks! afterall i am trying to chill out. even worse i can't touch people and my friends can't texting me.

i just plan to go back to Perum at Wed for my ponsel and others stuff that had been forgotten..haa.. i felt i am getting older like my grandma when i realize to many things haven't collected in.

oii, when i arrived at kos, i found out, its cleaned and sparkling and shining and stuff.. i love to see it.. i am in a nice place. haa..

transmusi : solusi atau masalah baru?

judul posting ini adalah tema diskusi untuk kelompok..erm..saya lupa apa nama kelompoknya, yang pasti ini adalah serangkaian kegiatan OR yang di adakan oleh BEM UNSRI..

saya masih gak habis pikir kalo masih ada orang yang bilang kalo transmusi itu adalah masalah transportasi baru di Palembang... i think these people is out of theirs head.. well, tapi karena setiap orang punya pendapat masaing2 dan saya haus menghormatinya akhirnya kallimat itu hanya jadi uneg-uneg saya ke Nia.. lagian ini juag dikusi bukan debat.. kalo ini adalah debat saya akan ngotot dg pendapat saya.

Hellloooo, where you had been??? it's time to change.. waktunya kita membudayakan kehidupan bertransportasi yang aman.. orang yang cerdas itu kalo nunggu bis di halte, nyebrang di zebra cross atau naik jembatan penyebrangan.. sekarang pemerintah Palembang menghadirkan solusi nya..ditambah kenyamanan yang kita dapat, full AC, musiknya gak norak kayak bis pasar, dan ramah lingkungan karena bahan bakarnya pake gas, truss gak ada yang merokok, gak ada pengamen..so there's no reason that's say transmusi is the new problem's transportation in Palembang..

kemarin ada yang bilang, kalo bis pasar yang beroperasi kan uang nya kembali ke masyarakat, terus takutnya karena uangnya balik ke pemda nanti di korupsiin..
well, emang sopir transmusi itu gak di gaji yaa?? kan mereka dapat gaji bulanan, emang uang gajinya mau di tabung aja, gak lahhh.. kan nanti istri sang sopir belanja ke pasar trus beli ini-itu..ujung2 nya kan perputaran uang itu kembali ke pasar.. trus kalo masalah uang nya nanti di selewengkan.. well, itu kan masalah birokrasi kita yang emang dihuni orang2 yang opportunis...

ada lagi yang bilang, transmusi itu menimbulkan kemacetan baru dan seharusnya transmusi itu one way alias punya jalannya sendiri kayak busway, itu malah masalah baru.. nanti kalo one way kan ada pelebaran jalan,nanti selama jalannya dibangun kan ada cost yang lebih truss bangun jalan baru atau pelebaran jalan itu gak sebentar, butuh waktu lama,,nah selama pembangunan jalan itu, emang gak bikin macet yaaa?? itu masalah baru lho..lagian juga kehadirannya transmusi itu belum benar2 di eveluasi oleh pemda, apakah di sukai masyarakat atau tidak..meskipun orientasinya itu bukan laba tapi lebih ke pelayanannya..tapi tetap aja harus ada evaluasi untuk perbaikan.

saya pikir kita jangan terlalu idealis lah.. terlepas itu memang proker walikota palembang, atau adanya politik mercusuar oleh walikota Palembang dalam rangka untuk menaikan pamorny,, well, i say .. i really don't mind about his programs or the other creeps

lagian, kita itu, masyarakat Palembang, di ajak ke arah yang baik..punya transportasi yang aman dan nyaman, KENAPA MASIH ADA AJA SEWOT???!!!!!

have to have a dreams and make it true

there are always time to think or forecasting what something amaze me and it will happen today..cause life is neva flat. so, today i have a quality time with Nia, we went to Horizon hotel, attending some seminary about study abroad. i ain't really paasion about that cos..it's big deal. study abroad, how much its cost?

there's something encourage me to pursue my dreams, and its become higher and higher and its goes irrational and insane. i know its heard impossible, it ain't make a sense..huh where do i get the huge money for tuition and struggle in there?? in fact Ayah doesn't have money, even for fulfilling his necessity. but, it's my dream, go to abroad and study there, i believe in that there's always a way to make that happen. who's knows. i have my back up, Allah. if there is a will, i have to believe, there's always a way. Allah, please, please, please..make it happen..make it mine. make it be real..

Full Saturday with Int'l Class

It’s feels a week of Sunday has been passed away and today have good mood to writing something. I have much story, but most of ‘em I forgot. I don’t know, something not good happen in my head, in my brain. I think I got a very critical disease. I think suffering of brain disorder named Alzheimer. No, I don’t wanna ever suffer from the awkward illness. Allah, please, please do not put that illness on my brain. I won't lose my memories. I don’t know why I will always worry 'bout something happen in me, like I got bad off.

A couple of these days, we, I and Pia got damage. Our host is flooded. For sure, I don’t wanna thinking 'bout it or telling something 'bout it, its makes me wants vomit. When I am trying to remember what I was the way through out that night. Ugh..disgusting. but, actually, all my day, good and fun.

I have a big laugh with Nia and I know that we have similarity, we both like food and talking. So, I just comfort and enjoy when I discuss, or sharing or just talking that’s doesn’t have any point or purposes at all.

Oya, two days ago I applied form to join BEMU, BEM UNSRI. Well, it’s kinda big deal, you know, I am trying to have a commit with something. ‘Cause I realized that I cannot really love what I am doing, there is always more interesting or something new that makes me flirting with those and I wanna try it, doing it, and tell how it feels to do it or just try it. And if it’s got bored, I just can leave it. And I don’t really mind. I don’t know why I just get easy to feel bored. I can’t stay up with something. Seems like I have to upgrade and update myself. So that’s way I have to have something new to refreshing my soul, my mind, and my heart.

I have new cool lecturer. His name Mr. Muh. Nasai. I love this man. Cause he’s kinda speak up person, and I felt like he always try to encourage us to speak up. He’s humorist too. I love this man. His subject is Accounting Information Systems. He is thinking that by using the Indonesian translation book, we, actually he, just got more fool and worst. I love the way he thinks. Mine too, why people have to be nervous or even frighten when they have to talk or write or just learning something in English. By learning English you just upgrade yourself and you have got skill. I would love to say that UNSRI have to issue that every new student have to join with the English Class for one semester is required. Oya, I have another one, Mr. Mukhtaruddin, if I ain't wrong. I just know this man is existing in our faculty. Students call him Mr. Imud. I love the way his explanation. And this is the best from him is he always said some briefness that’s always correlated with sex. Haha..that’s the best thing. Fresh, fun, and not makes me get boring.

We have SIA schedule at Int’l Class, we don’t expect before, how come? I can't imagine it, for more than 3 hours and 20 minutes we just sit down, stuck up with Mr. Imud but I think with him as the lecturer, we can a little bit enjoy that class.

I have to thanks to Allah, He pursue me to joint with International Class. There is the craziest person, they are unique, and we have something in common. WE ALL LOVE ENGLISH. So that’s why I always happy when I was around them. There is no JAIM [jaga image] existence. I love that people. FUNNY PEOPLE.

What kindness that I have achieved today??

I am feeling so terrible today… I don’t know why but every thing I did was not quite good and its like doesn’t gimme a positive affected. One things I learned today is when you wanna do something first you’ve to thinking before you step up and if it is a good and positive one take it whatever its taken, and when you realize that it not good take a lesson and learned 'bout it. And when the thing you already know is bad, as a smart girl you’ve to leave it.

I am really feels so terrible 'bout what I did for today. I just do something useless, I have to outfight from this habit, its makes me feels so nasty when I just stay very still, no move up, no changing, no improvement.

I got sign from my best friend status on facebook, he said feeling so bad after final exam, 5 problems in 2 and half hours. Fiuh… woow, so then it’s good right, the worst one can bring you to a better life. After you graduated, there’s so many company wants get you as employee. See, it’s good huh.. but, how 'bout me? I used to being anxious when final exam comes and not really prepare on it. I don’t where is my spirit, my motivate, my brain goes>>>>


I wanna tell about my yearning for my beloved hometown Muaradua, my beloved guys, and beloved family.. this is holiday I just settled my ass at home, nothings to do. Being loafer one.


Huh.. I miss my guys, kunyit, dodol, and pedicab driver, miss ‘em so much. But why I don’t have any appetite to come around. Haa.. may be because of I don’t have any home for living and no family who’s supposed to be invited me to come and see around. Uh.. I just said something haphazardly. I live my dad but why he is not yet call or text me.. uh, I am so upset 'bout this all the time.

Kunyit, what is up? I miss you, sorry I am not being such a good best friend for you, we are not sharing each other intensely, and coz we are in distance. But I am glad coz you still texting me, told something or just asked how am I now and you are the noisy one. I was confused what’s make you three close to me. And you and you are family is pleasant host ever, when we are hanging up or some unimportant gathering, you and you are family is so welcoming. Thanks Nyit. Why I call you kunyit, it’s named by dodol and mang, just ask em, I don’t know where or when its being. and I love to call you that way.

Dodol, you’re always be my good man, crying baby, hu,,, I miss you, I yearn 'bout how beautiful ur handwriting and how clever and diligent person you are. and I missed our debate and about the girl that you in love for the first time, right?? And ur complaining 'bout Adrian and Adrian complaining 'bout you, you are so mad at rian coz that guy, you think, so showing off 'bout his perfect life. Haa.. and why I call you dodol, mang said you were so in love with dodol garut which sell @ store near our school building.

and Pedicab Driver. How are you? You are the craziest guy, when you come, the aura going to be so fun and full of laugh. Haha.. you are the professional one that can give any funny name and defined it, ur joke I missed it. And one of us who are has potential to being so panic action and act so pleonastic. And honest person, you used to tell directly 'bout things, it’s just come out, you said it and most of it are humiliation. Huh.. I’ve ever so mad at you, why you and dodol likes to humiliated me and call me some freak name. but still, I missed you all

HAVE A BIG LAUGH

28th Dec ’09 @21pm Perumnas..

Sebuah lelucon konyol akan sangat berharga untuk mengingat betapa banyak waktu yang kita lalui namun kebanyakan dari mereka kita gunakan untuk hal-hal yang kurang baik dan mengingat betapa sedikit waktu yang tersisa bagi kita untuk berkarya lebih dan lebih. Aku berharap tiap detik yang ku habiskan nantinya merupakan sebuah tambahan kebaikan yang suatu saat nanti, di masa depan ku tentunya, akan sangat berguna dan tiap waktu yang telah aku lalui semoga tidak ada kesia-sian atasnya dan diridhoi oleh-Nya. Amin.

Malam ini aku dan uni kiki, mengestimasi dan memprediksi kehidupan kami nantinya akan sampai di tahun 2070. termasuk beberapa orang terdekat kami berapakah umur mereka ketika mereka berhasil mencapai tahun 2070.

Me : 79 th, Uni Kiki : 83 th, Uda Ibal : 80 th, Agif : 63 th, dan pendatang baru di keluarga kami, Ayra : 60 th.

Huahahua… terdengar jelas betapa lucunya lelucon itu, membayangkan agif yang belum genap 2 th, akan berumur 63 th….

Selanjutnya, tak jelas lagi apa yang sedang kami diskusikan-- kalo boleh dibilang sebuah diskusi. Kami berspekulasi bagaimana keadaan di tahun 2070, apakah manusia masih akan menggunakan uang sebagai alat transaksi, kami memprediksi di tahun 2070, uang tidak akan lagi eksis. Keberadaannya akan digantikan oleh sebuah kartu berlogo internasional. Well, setidaknya jual-beli di tahun 2070 tidak akan mengasikkan seperti yang terjadi selama ini-- antara ibu-ibu rumah tangga dengan para penjual yang kebanyakan adalah wanita di pasar tradisional saling beradu kepiawaian dalam tawar-menawar harga dengan ekspresi kelelahan sambil mengerenyitkan alis atau bergosip ria di tengah keramaian di pasar tradisional.

Akan ada smart home, kemudian keberadaan benda mirip tv yang multifungsi, selain untuk menonton, tv ini juga bisa digunakan untuk bersms ria, webcam, dll.

Selanjutnya, aku memprediksi tidak akan ada lagi storeage seperti fd, akan berganti dengan yang lebih mungil tentunya, lebih canggih pastinya. Tidak akan adalagi bentuk-bentuk softfile, semuanya akan dikonversikan kedalam bentuk 3D yang tersinkronisasi dengan otak dan pikiran kita. Jadi, ketika kita ingin melihat file-file foto misalnya, cukup dengan membayangkan aktivitas tersebut maka file-file tersebut akan muncul. Sama seperti kita memerintahkan tangan kita melalui otak untuk mengalihkan suatu benda dari satu tempat ke tempat lain. Dan ada juga sebuah rangka luar, eksleton, yang bisa manusia pakai untuk melindungi dirinya atau mengangkat benda-benda berat serta berlari secepat kuda..seperti di dilm G.I. Joe [emang nih, bener2 korban film act-sci-fic]

Untuk Detailnya.. use ur imagination and improve it!!

Kita tidak akan pernah tahu kapan nafas ini akan berhenti. Hanya berharap semua wajtu yang kita gunakan selama ini adalah sebuah kebaikan untuk kita di akhirat nanti.

Demi masa. Sungguh, manusia berada dalam kerugian. Kecuali orang-orang yang beriman dan mengerjakan kebajikan serta saling menasihati untuk ke-benaran dan saling menasihati untuk kesabaran ( Al-Qur’an, Al-‘Asr:1-3)


SOME COMMENTS FROM MY BELOVED SISTA

Unee_11 : wow….boleh nich nisaa….nia g’bisa bayangin kalau tua nanti….
Setiap detik sangat berharga, lakukan yang terbaik dan lakukan sekarang ( ich nia sok suci haha).

Yuli: hm,, bagus. Kayak nonton transformer. Semuanya canggih. Jangan2 ntar bener2 ada autobot.. hehehe. Imajinatif… tentang cerita, Oy jangan sampe b kita nanti tergilas oleh kemajuan jaman. Nah kita manfaatin waktu sebaik mungkin aja sih agar tidak tahu2 sudah tuA…

sejak kemarin sore

Assalamu’alaikum. Ibu apa kabar disana, di alam kubur. Bagaimana pencahayaannya, apakah ada yang menemani mu? Tentu ada, amal sholeh yang kau kerjakan selama hidupmu. Tapi adakah sebagian cahaya itu berasal dari amal yang ku kerjakan sampai aku hidup detik ini? Amal yang takkan pernah putus, amal jariyah, doa seorang anak sholehah kepada kedua orangtuanya. Semoga ada kontrIbusiku terhadap ketenanganmu di alam kubur. Amin. Ibu, kini aku 19 tahun, dan baru sekarang menyadari bahwa aku sudah cukup tua untuk bersikap seperti anak kecil kepada Ayah. Tentu kau merasa sedih disana , melihat pertengkaran kami. Atau lebih tepatnya kau sedih karena keegoisanku dan ketidakpengertiaanku terhadap keadaannya, keadaan Ayah. Ibu, hari ini aku ingin menelpon Ayah, mengatakan kepadanya bahwa aku sangat mencintanya karena selama ini aku tidak benar-benar katakan betapa aku mencintainya. Ibu, sejak kemarin sore aku merasakan betapa aku begitu durhaka terhadap Allah, Engkau, dan Ayah. Begitu banyak orang yang ku zalimi hatinya dan badannya. Dan mengetahui dan menyadari akan hal itu, begitu menyakitkan bagiku dan aku ingin memperbaiki semua itu. Sejak kemarin sore, aku mulai memperbaikinya, mulai dari Penciptaku, Maha Besar Allah yang selalu Mengasihi dan Menyayangi hambaNya. Semoga Allah mengampuniku setelah segala perbuatanku, ketika aku berkhianat, dan mulai khilaf. Semoga Allah maafkan aku. Mulai dari kemarin sore aku ingin memperbaiki hubunganku dengan Mu. Ya Allah, semoga ini tidak sesaat tidak hanya bertahan sampai sore ini atau tidak pula setelah aku menyelesaikan catatan ini. Allah, kuatkan aku, sadarkan aku ketika aku mulai mencintai yang lain, hedonisme misalnya. Ya Allah, ampuni semua dosa-dosa Ibuku, Ayahku, sayangi mereka seperti mereka menyayangiku di waktu kecil.

Ibu, sejak kemarin sore pun, salah, sejak saat kau meninggalkan kami, aku selalu teringat padamu, kau selalu ada dihati ini dan takkkan terganti oleh siapapun dan apapun. Semoga Allah menerangi dan melapangkan kuburmu. Amin. Aku sangat berharap ketika aku berdoa, Allah benar-benar mengabulkan permintaanku yang satu ini, semoga Allah mempertemukan kita di surgaNya. Aku ingin sekali bertemu kembali dengan mu, seperti terakhir kali kita bertemu. Aku sangat merindumu Ibu. Maafkan aku atas semua kesalahan dan kedurhakaanku terhadapmu. Perasaan yang selama ini terus melekat di hati ini, seperti parasit, takkan lama lagi dia akan menjadi bagian diriku, seperti organ yang tak bernama, menjangkitiku sampi aku mati. Aku tidak benar-benar ikhlas melepasmu. Kesalahan ini, begitu pening aku memikirkan, bagaimana menghapus perasaan ini. Aku minta kepada Allah semoga Ia menguatkanku akan hal ini. Dan Ibu, adakah hal lain yang ingin kau minta, aku ingin memenuhi keinginanmu. Karena begitu banyak yang kuminta, aku seorang peminta-minta Ibu, begitu miskinnya aku, hingga jatuh meminta, tersungkur patuh, bagai kucing mengeong gaduh menahan lapar. Allah, kasihanilah aku. Ampunilah aku Allah. Ibu aku begitu merindukanmu. Bisakah Allah, Engkau menghadirkannya dalam mimpiku, aku ingin melihatnya. Begitu tak terbendung rasa rindu ini kepadanya. Apakah kau juga meridukan aku Ibu? Aku rindu Ibu

Dan Ayah, apa kabarmu? Lama kita tak saling menyapa, begitu sakit dan terluka kah hatimu terhadap perkataan dan perbuatanku? Terhadap perkataan, pernyataan bahwa aku tak ingin dianggap anak lagi olehmu dan aku tidak ingin punya Ayah sepertimu. Hal yang sama yang aku tuliskan dalam catatan hariaanku tentang Ibu. Aku pernah berharap ia menghilang didunia ini karena aku begitu kesalnya padanya, lebih baik aku tidak mempunyai Ibu, daripada memiliki Ibu yang buruk seperti dia. Sedih hatiku mengingat dan membaca ulang tulisan itu. Aku tak ingin kau pergi dari ku. Ayah, mataku mulai memanas, Ayah..begitu menyedihkannya aku, bukan? Dan begitu kasihan kalian, melahirkan dan membesarkan anak yang tidak tahu berterimakasih. Menyesalkah? Kalian memberikan kesempatan kepadaku untuk dirawat oleh kalian, Ibu, Ayah? Aku begitu menyedihkan. Maaf, maaf nian.. aku tak bermaksud seperti itu, begitu bodohnya aku tak belajar dari yang lalu. Ayah sudikah benara-benar memaafkan aku? Aku merasa begitu buruk saat ini. Merasa kesepian. Sebenarnya, aku berulang kali menyadari bahwa engkaulah satu-satunya yang tertinggal, satu-satunya yang seharusnya ku jadikan motivasi hidupku, memberikan dan Allah memberikan kesempatan untuk berbakti dan membayar kedurhakaan terhadap Ibu dengan membuatmu bahagia . Dan berulang kali juga aku menyakinkan diriku bahwa aku bisa hidup tanpamu. Aku telah melewati 3 tahun tanpamu, dan aku pikir aku bisa. Tapi aku tak bisa Ayah. Aku ingin pulang, aku menyesal. Terakhir kali aku pulang, setelah pertengkaran hebat kita, aku mengacuhkanmu, memberikan tatapan kebencian kepadamu. Aku begitu menyesal. Lihatlah Ayah, begitu banyak penyesalan yang aku rasakan, ternyata benar sama banyaknya dengan kebodohan yang ku lakukan untuk menyakiti hati orang yang aku sayangi. Maaf Ayah. Aku benar-benar ingin pulang dan aku ingin menelponmu setelah menyelesaikan catatan ini. Aku berjanji, takkan egois, dan tak pengertian terhadap keadaanmu. Aku akan selalu mengabarimu. Aku akan menjagamu Ayah. Maaf Ayah, rinduku terhadap Ibu sama besarnya terhadapmu. Aku mencintai kalian, Ibu, Ayah. Love you all..so much. I miss you and sorry for everythings I’ve done that might be hurt you much.