looking for dreams and job

I've bought a new bestseller novel by A.Fuadi, yet I have read it yet. I mean, I read for like 3 pages then stopped. Even in the latter 3 page, it told me a lot and made me anxious and afraid as well. I remember the dreams that I wrote on Post-it, such as working in United Nation or KPK and visiting a least five fave cities NY, South Korea,Mecca, and targeting 600 TOEFL Score. Those dreams were just identical with the dreams on the novel. I can't continue read it and closed it. One definite question appeared on my mind, where are they now, those dreams? I feel like I lost my identity cause I forget my goals and it feels like I am not living.

One quote from fame person, G-Dragon, he said that when we have achieved our dreams, there was one point I thought to stop making a good music cause I have already fulfilled my dream, yet it made me hate that I have achieved it. 

It was kind of similar to me. For I have one goal that had become dream came true, i got a chance to study only for months in the U.S, I consider I have my dream became real. I feel like I don't have any obligation to have another one. That is why I am feeling my life have stopped cause I have achieved one of my dreams at the same time. I am feeling stupid right now. I pointed out one thing from successful person, who made an history on their own, they had a background issues in order to motivate them to succeed. They passed their hardship and made a enormous effort to be a great person. I should have ashamed of myself. I keep thinking that I have enough hardship, I lost my parents while everyone else has a good life, to be love, to feel care from theirs. I search for an excuse so that I can move on with light heart without feeling pressured.

 

I should have more hardworking in order to achieve them. at this point I am just doing my-so-so to get them. I don't give what I got. like I don't care if it will happen or not. It feels like I don't want it become true, but actually I know what I want. I think I am at the bottom of my fighting spirit. Life is much different after university graduation. I got into a new-real-life, where your struggling efforts, knowledge are required. I have noticed that but I am pretend that it ain't big deal for me. I kind of just go with the flow, instead of being active with my personal attempt and my surrounding. I am being so ideal where I have one standard to apply for one job. I shouldn't have acted like that I think cause I need experience whereas my friends have their job, I am staying still, sitting on this bed, writing on this blog, complaining about everything, and I am not an effective-using-time person at all.

SILENCE

I used to stay for like 7 years at my aunt house and now I move to an ex-house of my cousin,, because she and her family is in Brazil right now and so i live alone here..all alone. one thing that i noticed I am missing to talk with people, communicating stuff, I am used with loneliness tho' . even this house provides a good internet connection and other stuffs and at least makes me wanna stay for a while however thing got boring by the time. I am just watching and surfing the internet all day long, day by day. i almost dying in silence that i don't have someone to talk to. DUH.JUST GET A JOB SOON!!

come over or just stay

I am definetely need to write something. Oh God, I do not know what is happening right now. I am just keeping my self busy with my past in the U.S and wasting my time day by day by doing random activities. I have felt tensed these days and thought about my script. I ain't really deal with it. Last two days I said to myself that I need to finish in calculating data. I made my deadline, yet I haven't finish it. And right now I have in mind to go to Muaradua, my hometown. Actually, I'd not really wana go, but somehow, it has been in my head, crawling around in my brain, and appeared in my dream this morning. I dreamnt of my half little sister. I saw her already in teenage girl. I miss her so badly, I wanna see her. However, my past.. I am not going to recalling those hurt feeling by come over to Muara Dua. Also, my besties keep telling me that we need to meet up this Ied Fitri. Dillemma. In one hand, I wanna go back to the town, see my sister and my besties. In the other hand, I hate it when I am around at there, it'd feel so bad. I have to go to my parents graveyard, of course, which will make me sad, devastated, upset, and other bad emotions. As a wrap,I'd get neither a real happiness nor a real sadness. It is confusing tho' and I keep my fear for this long time. I have promised to myself that I won't face and deal with that emotions later on, so that I don't need to go to the town and get hurt. However, Muara Dua, it is just not common town, like I had born and fleed to other city and have no memories about it. I had a lot of thing left there. I just can't forget my past, my parents tombstone and my family. I realize, I haven't mature on this things. I need to see the bright side and left the fear that remain in me. God, I keep mentioning to go back to the town in my head, my heart also keep pushing the emotion and I know eventually,I will give in and listen to my heart. but then, how about my script. Suck! I have to push my self on that!!!

new post.

bismillah, i think this is the first time I visit back my blog after 2011 turned 2012. I have not checked and posted any story about everything. but one thing that I want to tell you that I was in Arizona, U.S. I got the scholarship for two months there. I had experienced a lot of things. I went to Grand Canyon and Sedona. I saw my first snow there. I met a lot people from some countries. It was the great this best ever happened in my life. and I want to send my gratitude to Allah, for He granted my wishes. after two months there and get back to Indonesia, I have make some adjustments. But no big deal. I have overcame all the matters. Now, I am dealing with my research proposal, for I want to get out ASAP from the world of university. I want to start my independent life, work, and enjoy my salary. you know what the thing that I really take in mind now is I miss myself when I could write and express it with a beautiful words. I am now reach the point of boringness of my research. I didn't begin anything,, yet I was feeling bored with it. I don't know! Well, back to the old me who could express words that could become a beautiful notes. Apparently, I miss myself at the part of when I could really feel something or really think something deeply. Maybe, my time gets serious since I will face the end of my education life. That's why I could not really enjoy and have a deep thinking with my heart follow. However, at least, one good thing happened this night. I come and start to write what I feel and what I have through this whole day. Well, the whole day today was not that great. Last night, I had a note for myself about what I am going to do for tomorrow, which is today. Mostly, it was related with my research. But I have done nothing. erm..you do notice that I keep mention about by research. It occupy the part of my brain since I have arrived in Soetta International Airport. Anyhow, I am practicing my english by making this note. And I am happy about it. At least, one thing that make my day a bit yellow, for I have an output. Also, I want to tell you (you = who ??) that I must have a good shape on my body. Starting today, I promise to my self that I wanna make any efforts to decrease my fat and eventually have a good shape of body. You know, where this encourage thing comes from? It was at Nia's commencement day. I saw someone that I used to see with a big bone and big tummy, but I was shocking by look at him at that time. It was well shaped body, Dendy. He was knowns as fat guy but now, I can say that he lost a half of his fat. And what I feel when I saw him. I want to make one too on my body. I have to have a good shape, and currently I hate to see how chubby my cheeks and I really hate it. Owh, It is irritating me. I have goal. Anyway, I wanna tell you that I have an intention to apply for scholarship to Korea. and I am working on it now. the deadline is on this 6 June, 2012. So, please Allah..make this thing happen too. Bismillah.. Well, I need to stop now..time to rest! Have a tight sleep and wake up in the morning with the happiness and gratefullness cause Allah gives you another chance to create another good thing. For me, by the time I wake up, I am going to prepare for jogging time. This is one of the ways to have a good body shape. bye.. Annisa

something that I have in mind

How long time has passed and I do not write some memories? A week or more than a month? Seems that memories aren’t kept in the box that happened to be in. I wish I could rewind those things which is I’ve been through but I couldn’t even remember when those things happened in my daily, what date and day. Apparently, I just got to be older than I am now. talking about future life..and I want do something that I eager to do , well everybody wants to. I have a mind in design. Particularly, I want to see insight what Corel draw have. I want to explore my skill to use that program beside I used to using that program to make some design and I love design and I love to see when my pieces pinned on the wall and people see it. But, why there is no big desire from my heart to do that and make it real. Is that signed that I am just having time with design? Actually, when I was schoolchild I love to see model walking on the catwalk and see what they got on their own body and of course the clothes designs. i mean fashion designer is a part of design too, right? I have a mind to live in New York and I’d go around there, see what the city got. See the people do and go for work. I mean, I just got stunned when I see them so making do. I don’t have any specific way how I got there whether it’s just because I am so freaky rich or I got scholarship in University. Ha.. I have a mind to marry with overseas guy. I just want to make lifestyle just like theirs. I mean, how they teach their child and they are grown up with a good health and mind, see the child go through their school life succeeded, they have bright life, and others good things in your life with your family. I have a mind to become the fame nature photographer, fashion week photographer too . Laying hands on the achievement for being the best photographer ever. Wow.. so grateful I am. I don’t want to become a great accountant or working on the accounting spot. I feel like I don’t go up for that and I do not meant to be so ungrateful but I just not that into accounting. I don’t want to be a civil servant. One day, I am gonna have pets. A tomcat with a three color and have a long tail, angora one, a turtle, a baby tiger, a rabbit, and kitty. I have one eager desire. I will make this happen. And I am praying to Allah please make this pray happen. I want to go to Holly Land, Mecca with Ayah. I have some plan for my sisters and brother if I have a chance to become a deadly rich women. Amin. For Ayu, I will register her to the boarding school. She has to get scholarship after finish school. Though I know she’s not really good at school. But I really wish she have a bright future. Ayu will be a detective women, or lawyer, or singer. She’ll be professional of those kinds. For Ririn. I am going to enroll her in an agency in town because she has good looks. Ha.. I am kidding. I will insist her to wear veil though. Ririn is a cute, naughty, and attractive girl so I am going to put her in to boarding school too. Ririn will be an adventurer, housewives, chief of editor of fame mags. For Ikal. I do not really know this guy, how his personality, but he sort of a gentle guy and friendly. I’d let him choose whatever he want to be. But definitely I will suggest him to take one place in engineering faculty, major of study mining. I am being snappish waiting for him to grow up and be a man. Cause he’s on the third place after Ayah and I who’s going to bring up our family. Maybe this is the last thing I want to have in my life, die in a good way. May Allah answers what I pray for my life. Amin.

your love

I don’t know when I have this feeling. I don’t know where the beginning. But eventually I feel so enjoy and comfort with the love you give to me. I always ask to myself. How I am supposedly love someone. Am I really sacrificing everything to make the one that I love feeling glad? I ain’t even sure with love. Then you come. Show how love supposed to be. I love the way you express your love for me and nothing’s wrong that. Even people call you fool and moron. You just do how supposedly do when we love someone. And I know you are the best I ever had. When the time gets rough. Our love is in stake. You promise me will always around and always stand by me and fight for me. Times get worse, our past and present brought those problems to test out how huge your love to me and how universe my love to you. We spent a bit hours to talk about it. Overcome all the schemes. You said you don’t wanna fight and don’t wanna see me cry. You know, at that moment when you said those words, I was so touched and I feel like I was the luckiest girl in the world. I really hope our love will end up with happily ever after. I see how you and I through all schemes. When night comes, we build our future. There is a home where we share our heart and devotion. There is sunshine and we absorb the warm together and night sky presents the best. There is a picture on the wall, frame out our happiness and joy. In my pray, I always ask God to make those dreams comes true. I hope our love will never end till either you or I fade away from this life. Almost a year. There are tears and smiles. And I love every moment with you. You fill up my world that so bored before. Now, I ask my self, do I really ready to sacrifice everything for our relationship? Day by day , I realized I have sacrificed some stuffs. And you know what am feeling now? Seems those sacrifices I did are not enough compare with all the things you have done for me. Is it how love works? Sacrifice that you never get enough of? If that’s how love works, well that’s sound good for me. Even when I was in pain to make you feel comfort. That’s so okay for me. P.S : don’t get me wrong about the short romance essay I made. It raised from the dream I saw last night and the music I am listening now. It fuses into this story. Inspired by Heartquake, No other, What if, and Shining star by Super Junior..

arraci

there will be a time when i can not take your jokes, mocks, and laughing. there will be a time when i am going to state that please stop, i can not take it and listen it anymore. it is about to burst. but i am trying to holding back my anger and madness for you. if i am not in the good mood in the future, i can not guarantee that our friendship is going to the way it was if this is really happen . that's why i asked you to stop cause i am not a certain stuff to be laughed for the others. so, please stop before i get more irritated with you.. arraci?