looking for dreams and job

I've bought a new bestseller novel by A.Fuadi, yet I have read it yet. I mean, I read for like 3 pages then stopped. Even in the latter 3 page, it told me a lot and made me anxious and afraid as well. I remember the dreams that I wrote on Post-it, such as working in United Nation or KPK and visiting a least five fave cities NY, South Korea,Mecca, and targeting 600 TOEFL Score. Those dreams were just identical with the dreams on the novel. I can't continue read it and closed it. One definite question appeared on my mind, where are they now, those dreams? I feel like I lost my identity cause I forget my goals and it feels like I am not living.

One quote from fame person, G-Dragon, he said that when we have achieved our dreams, there was one point I thought to stop making a good music cause I have already fulfilled my dream, yet it made me hate that I have achieved it. 

It was kind of similar to me. For I have one goal that had become dream came true, i got a chance to study only for months in the U.S, I consider I have my dream became real. I feel like I don't have any obligation to have another one. That is why I am feeling my life have stopped cause I have achieved one of my dreams at the same time. I am feeling stupid right now. I pointed out one thing from successful person, who made an history on their own, they had a background issues in order to motivate them to succeed. They passed their hardship and made a enormous effort to be a great person. I should have ashamed of myself. I keep thinking that I have enough hardship, I lost my parents while everyone else has a good life, to be love, to feel care from theirs. I search for an excuse so that I can move on with light heart without feeling pressured.

 

I should have more hardworking in order to achieve them. at this point I am just doing my-so-so to get them. I don't give what I got. like I don't care if it will happen or not. It feels like I don't want it become true, but actually I know what I want. I think I am at the bottom of my fighting spirit. Life is much different after university graduation. I got into a new-real-life, where your struggling efforts, knowledge are required. I have noticed that but I am pretend that it ain't big deal for me. I kind of just go with the flow, instead of being active with my personal attempt and my surrounding. I am being so ideal where I have one standard to apply for one job. I shouldn't have acted like that I think cause I need experience whereas my friends have their job, I am staying still, sitting on this bed, writing on this blog, complaining about everything, and I am not an effective-using-time person at all.