looking for dreams and job

I've bought a new bestseller novel by A.Fuadi, yet I have read it yet. I mean, I read for like 3 pages then stopped. Even in the latter 3 page, it told me a lot and made me anxious and afraid as well. I remember the dreams that I wrote on Post-it, such as working in United Nation or KPK and visiting a least five fave cities NY, South Korea,Mecca, and targeting 600 TOEFL Score. Those dreams were just identical with the dreams on the novel. I can't continue read it and closed it. One definite question appeared on my mind, where are they now, those dreams? I feel like I lost my identity cause I forget my goals and it feels like I am not living.

One quote from fame person, G-Dragon, he said that when we have achieved our dreams, there was one point I thought to stop making a good music cause I have already fulfilled my dream, yet it made me hate that I have achieved it. 

It was kind of similar to me. For I have one goal that had become dream came true, i got a chance to study only for months in the U.S, I consider I have my dream became real. I feel like I don't have any obligation to have another one. That is why I am feeling my life have stopped cause I have achieved one of my dreams at the same time. I am feeling stupid right now. I pointed out one thing from successful person, who made an history on their own, they had a background issues in order to motivate them to succeed. They passed their hardship and made a enormous effort to be a great person. I should have ashamed of myself. I keep thinking that I have enough hardship, I lost my parents while everyone else has a good life, to be love, to feel care from theirs. I search for an excuse so that I can move on with light heart without feeling pressured.

 

I should have more hardworking in order to achieve them. at this point I am just doing my-so-so to get them. I don't give what I got. like I don't care if it will happen or not. It feels like I don't want it become true, but actually I know what I want. I think I am at the bottom of my fighting spirit. Life is much different after university graduation. I got into a new-real-life, where your struggling efforts, knowledge are required. I have noticed that but I am pretend that it ain't big deal for me. I kind of just go with the flow, instead of being active with my personal attempt and my surrounding. I am being so ideal where I have one standard to apply for one job. I shouldn't have acted like that I think cause I need experience whereas my friends have their job, I am staying still, sitting on this bed, writing on this blog, complaining about everything, and I am not an effective-using-time person at all.

SILENCE

I used to stay for like 7 years at my aunt house and now I move to an ex-house of my cousin,, because she and her family is in Brazil right now and so i live alone here..all alone. one thing that i noticed I am missing to talk with people, communicating stuff, I am used with loneliness tho' . even this house provides a good internet connection and other stuffs and at least makes me wanna stay for a while however thing got boring by the time. I am just watching and surfing the internet all day long, day by day. i almost dying in silence that i don't have someone to talk to. DUH.JUST GET A JOB SOON!!

come over or just stay

I am definetely need to write something. Oh God, I do not know what is happening right now. I am just keeping my self busy with my past in the U.S and wasting my time day by day by doing random activities. I have felt tensed these days and thought about my script. I ain't really deal with it. Last two days I said to myself that I need to finish in calculating data. I made my deadline, yet I haven't finish it. And right now I have in mind to go to Muaradua, my hometown. Actually, I'd not really wana go, but somehow, it has been in my head, crawling around in my brain, and appeared in my dream this morning. I dreamnt of my half little sister. I saw her already in teenage girl. I miss her so badly, I wanna see her. However, my past.. I am not going to recalling those hurt feeling by come over to Muara Dua. Also, my besties keep telling me that we need to meet up this Ied Fitri. Dillemma. In one hand, I wanna go back to the town, see my sister and my besties. In the other hand, I hate it when I am around at there, it'd feel so bad. I have to go to my parents graveyard, of course, which will make me sad, devastated, upset, and other bad emotions. As a wrap,I'd get neither a real happiness nor a real sadness. It is confusing tho' and I keep my fear for this long time. I have promised to myself that I won't face and deal with that emotions later on, so that I don't need to go to the town and get hurt. However, Muara Dua, it is just not common town, like I had born and fleed to other city and have no memories about it. I had a lot of thing left there. I just can't forget my past, my parents tombstone and my family. I realize, I haven't mature on this things. I need to see the bright side and left the fear that remain in me. God, I keep mentioning to go back to the town in my head, my heart also keep pushing the emotion and I know eventually,I will give in and listen to my heart. but then, how about my script. Suck! I have to push my self on that!!!

new post.

bismillah, i think this is the first time I visit back my blog after 2011 turned 2012. I have not checked and posted any story about everything. but one thing that I want to tell you that I was in Arizona, U.S. I got the scholarship for two months there. I had experienced a lot of things. I went to Grand Canyon and Sedona. I saw my first snow there. I met a lot people from some countries. It was the great this best ever happened in my life. and I want to send my gratitude to Allah, for He granted my wishes. after two months there and get back to Indonesia, I have make some adjustments. But no big deal. I have overcame all the matters. Now, I am dealing with my research proposal, for I want to get out ASAP from the world of university. I want to start my independent life, work, and enjoy my salary. you know what the thing that I really take in mind now is I miss myself when I could write and express it with a beautiful words. I am now reach the point of boringness of my research. I didn't begin anything,, yet I was feeling bored with it. I don't know! Well, back to the old me who could express words that could become a beautiful notes. Apparently, I miss myself at the part of when I could really feel something or really think something deeply. Maybe, my time gets serious since I will face the end of my education life. That's why I could not really enjoy and have a deep thinking with my heart follow. However, at least, one good thing happened this night. I come and start to write what I feel and what I have through this whole day. Well, the whole day today was not that great. Last night, I had a note for myself about what I am going to do for tomorrow, which is today. Mostly, it was related with my research. But I have done nothing. erm..you do notice that I keep mention about by research. It occupy the part of my brain since I have arrived in Soetta International Airport. Anyhow, I am practicing my english by making this note. And I am happy about it. At least, one thing that make my day a bit yellow, for I have an output. Also, I want to tell you (you = who ??) that I must have a good shape on my body. Starting today, I promise to my self that I wanna make any efforts to decrease my fat and eventually have a good shape of body. You know, where this encourage thing comes from? It was at Nia's commencement day. I saw someone that I used to see with a big bone and big tummy, but I was shocking by look at him at that time. It was well shaped body, Dendy. He was knowns as fat guy but now, I can say that he lost a half of his fat. And what I feel when I saw him. I want to make one too on my body. I have to have a good shape, and currently I hate to see how chubby my cheeks and I really hate it. Owh, It is irritating me. I have goal. Anyway, I wanna tell you that I have an intention to apply for scholarship to Korea. and I am working on it now. the deadline is on this 6 June, 2012. So, please Allah..make this thing happen too. Bismillah.. Well, I need to stop now..time to rest! Have a tight sleep and wake up in the morning with the happiness and gratefullness cause Allah gives you another chance to create another good thing. For me, by the time I wake up, I am going to prepare for jogging time. This is one of the ways to have a good body shape. bye.. Annisa

something that I have in mind

How long time has passed and I do not write some memories? A week or more than a month? Seems that memories aren’t kept in the box that happened to be in. I wish I could rewind those things which is I’ve been through but I couldn’t even remember when those things happened in my daily, what date and day. Apparently, I just got to be older than I am now. talking about future life..and I want do something that I eager to do , well everybody wants to. I have a mind in design. Particularly, I want to see insight what Corel draw have. I want to explore my skill to use that program beside I used to using that program to make some design and I love design and I love to see when my pieces pinned on the wall and people see it. But, why there is no big desire from my heart to do that and make it real. Is that signed that I am just having time with design? Actually, when I was schoolchild I love to see model walking on the catwalk and see what they got on their own body and of course the clothes designs. i mean fashion designer is a part of design too, right? I have a mind to live in New York and I’d go around there, see what the city got. See the people do and go for work. I mean, I just got stunned when I see them so making do. I don’t have any specific way how I got there whether it’s just because I am so freaky rich or I got scholarship in University. Ha.. I have a mind to marry with overseas guy. I just want to make lifestyle just like theirs. I mean, how they teach their child and they are grown up with a good health and mind, see the child go through their school life succeeded, they have bright life, and others good things in your life with your family. I have a mind to become the fame nature photographer, fashion week photographer too . Laying hands on the achievement for being the best photographer ever. Wow.. so grateful I am. I don’t want to become a great accountant or working on the accounting spot. I feel like I don’t go up for that and I do not meant to be so ungrateful but I just not that into accounting. I don’t want to be a civil servant. One day, I am gonna have pets. A tomcat with a three color and have a long tail, angora one, a turtle, a baby tiger, a rabbit, and kitty. I have one eager desire. I will make this happen. And I am praying to Allah please make this pray happen. I want to go to Holly Land, Mecca with Ayah. I have some plan for my sisters and brother if I have a chance to become a deadly rich women. Amin. For Ayu, I will register her to the boarding school. She has to get scholarship after finish school. Though I know she’s not really good at school. But I really wish she have a bright future. Ayu will be a detective women, or lawyer, or singer. She’ll be professional of those kinds. For Ririn. I am going to enroll her in an agency in town because she has good looks. Ha.. I am kidding. I will insist her to wear veil though. Ririn is a cute, naughty, and attractive girl so I am going to put her in to boarding school too. Ririn will be an adventurer, housewives, chief of editor of fame mags. For Ikal. I do not really know this guy, how his personality, but he sort of a gentle guy and friendly. I’d let him choose whatever he want to be. But definitely I will suggest him to take one place in engineering faculty, major of study mining. I am being snappish waiting for him to grow up and be a man. Cause he’s on the third place after Ayah and I who’s going to bring up our family. Maybe this is the last thing I want to have in my life, die in a good way. May Allah answers what I pray for my life. Amin.

your love

I don’t know when I have this feeling. I don’t know where the beginning. But eventually I feel so enjoy and comfort with the love you give to me. I always ask to myself. How I am supposedly love someone. Am I really sacrificing everything to make the one that I love feeling glad? I ain’t even sure with love. Then you come. Show how love supposed to be. I love the way you express your love for me and nothing’s wrong that. Even people call you fool and moron. You just do how supposedly do when we love someone. And I know you are the best I ever had. When the time gets rough. Our love is in stake. You promise me will always around and always stand by me and fight for me. Times get worse, our past and present brought those problems to test out how huge your love to me and how universe my love to you. We spent a bit hours to talk about it. Overcome all the schemes. You said you don’t wanna fight and don’t wanna see me cry. You know, at that moment when you said those words, I was so touched and I feel like I was the luckiest girl in the world. I really hope our love will end up with happily ever after. I see how you and I through all schemes. When night comes, we build our future. There is a home where we share our heart and devotion. There is sunshine and we absorb the warm together and night sky presents the best. There is a picture on the wall, frame out our happiness and joy. In my pray, I always ask God to make those dreams comes true. I hope our love will never end till either you or I fade away from this life. Almost a year. There are tears and smiles. And I love every moment with you. You fill up my world that so bored before. Now, I ask my self, do I really ready to sacrifice everything for our relationship? Day by day , I realized I have sacrificed some stuffs. And you know what am feeling now? Seems those sacrifices I did are not enough compare with all the things you have done for me. Is it how love works? Sacrifice that you never get enough of? If that’s how love works, well that’s sound good for me. Even when I was in pain to make you feel comfort. That’s so okay for me. P.S : don’t get me wrong about the short romance essay I made. It raised from the dream I saw last night and the music I am listening now. It fuses into this story. Inspired by Heartquake, No other, What if, and Shining star by Super Junior..

arraci

there will be a time when i can not take your jokes, mocks, and laughing. there will be a time when i am going to state that please stop, i can not take it and listen it anymore. it is about to burst. but i am trying to holding back my anger and madness for you. if i am not in the good mood in the future, i can not guarantee that our friendship is going to the way it was if this is really happen . that's why i asked you to stop cause i am not a certain stuff to be laughed for the others. so, please stop before i get more irritated with you.. arraci?

a conversation

when you were in the conversation, it is hard to hide your feeling, true feeling, with your opposite, attractive opposite. if you have got really into the conversation,and it made you honest to yourself and with each other. you have become so open and kind, kinda never ending chatter. that is a conversation that make you tickel, happy, smile, bitter, a bit upset, sweet, laugh, and other sense. you were feeling all of those senses. even more, your opposite is the person that you have thought for this long time is not really treat you in a good way. and you just found out that she or he just as thrill as you are.

P.S i dont expected much cause i know, i have said to myself, that this thing is not my style.. but i am pleased to keep on this conversation or else.

I am sitting in our living room with only Uni around me. We have kinda left out, Ibu and Ayah now in Jakarta, enjoy their old time life, while Uda since he is, literally, not live in this home but he has been back and forth from Tanjung Enim. But he promised to back on 16th of July cause he have final exams. Well, I spent my afternoon with training at Kodam. Today we talked about something had done or you can say causative form then continously with Palembang favorite food. I got Model Palembang for my presentation theme.

Anyway, on this noon, I spent my time watch the final season of Smallville but it is not yet been finished. I was wondering how Clark Kent looks the same when they start the first season ot this series in 2000. I mean he is not even aging at his present. Well, Tom welling has his own secret how to make his face steady as ten years ago as innocent face still remains on his face.

I tend to end this note with a pray, I hope tomorrow I can meet my friends, we planned to have some meeting, hang out to share stories. We always do this thing -mean girl- big time and that’s why I extremely missed them. I hope our plan can go well.

xoxo-

It’s already about 4 months I am not post something in my blog. Well, I am kinda have a soul for writting now because I saw someone post about his blog. Maybe this is the good start to write something. Well, we should shared everything though mostly my post is all about myself but I hope people who read those posts have something or maybe mt writting had been inspired someone for some change. Lol.. well today I got bad and good news. I prefer to mention the bad first..

--jenj..jeng..jeng—

I got Be for my Accounting Theory class which I always be a good listener for this class and I have a target from the first beginning of this smeester, I want it so bad to get an A for this course. Instead of get an A with all efforts and something like you would say--I have the soul for this one—this lecturer gave me B. Well, I am still grateful for this. and the good news is I got an A for my ALK class which I got C before on fourth semester and same for my PI class. . Alhamdulillah..

HOW about things I have done today..erm..actually there are nothing but I spent my time rewatch the series that I have been watch about 5 times. Lol. Useless and I felt no entertainment while I was watching. So I consider today is just another million day of being sluggard.

Well, that’s my day and I am willing to post the other post next day... :)

Finding your princess and prince.

Let’s start with.. I was shocking and I am shocking.

Realizing that now, I am alone in this earth, at second hand. My father was dead this February and I have lost my Mother on 2005 pretty enough to makes me gone crazy. I mean none of person who is really care about me, none of my family tree would die for me, and I lost my mate of debate of issues like politics, religion, concepts, and life. And If you read this note, please don’t say sorry for it. it just makes me feel worst and worst. So just continue the reading and hear me, I am shocking, out. Losing their both is not pretty enough makes me gone crazy, I mean I am not losing my mind after all.

Maybe it is kinda fascinating title for you. Finding your princess and prince. But this note didn’t guide you how to find your man or woman nor what types of “prince” or princess” that would be fit for you. It talked about my friend, my male friend , who make me shocking, mad, cried out loud, a drop of my tear, and confuse. Today, he was whispering something. I said if this is not worthy enough to take my pleasure I am gonna kick you ( as I was in the midst of interesting conversation too). So, he stopped and continued. Seeing me and all of us. A second.” I have news and I would like you to know it” he said. And other friend burst out. .Is it the news about your married? and then he smile. But he never stated that he is now—freaky little husband or happily little husband.

Noooooooooooo……what the hell on earth!

He just having shy smiling as I just like worm which is just got pouring by heat water. You can say I am terrible not thrilled by how happy he is. I can't just believe in him. So, I was searching his eyeball, trying to find the sight that telling me “ Ha…you really bought it!” In other words, it is just practical joke. At the first stage, I wasn’t believe it. At the second stage, I am in between. At the third stage, I said to my self, he just tells the fake thing or maybe it is just a dream. Eventually, I was just stay very still and giving in but you know it is probably a scheme. And the moment when a drop of my tears out that the moment I realize that you are not just you are like I now you before, the moment when I know that you just devastated your life, and the moment when I am feeling you at ease and I am happy for that. It fuses in one tears, just one tear but leaving a huge question mark and a universe of confusing. You just shocking me, my today, crash my soul, my heart, my mind, my mood, and sight of life – ok, I am overwhelming now-- and you just crazy as always.


You said you still the old one. But I just can't handle the married man. You are not too cool anymore. I couldn’t stick with that. I am sorry if it is broke your heart. I was so mad at you at that moment– no reason-. i know you have a right to be happy include having someone that always stand by you in a good and in a bad but I just can't deal with happily 20 years old man who just got married. I mean why.
People say, I should happy for you, so I am telling you and not to forget this…I love you and I’ll be your supporter and wishing your married is pouring with the blessing of God --oh God I can't believe I said this stuff to you. And I am sorry that I have been how I have been in the place and in this note or like you just did something against the law ^_^ and I am chilling out now as my shocking fade.
Actually, I am still hoping that he texted me “//can't believe it you just bought the joke//” . Maybe I am not going to believe in him until I saw him in the wed party with his co-star sitting like statue, make up, and stuffs. And I hope you read this.

P.S what the heaven on earth for you!

Donald always got anger and The Tree.

Picture above. That’s my new hobby. Painting. Fun and Free for me to put any colors on it whether it against the nature. That I can paint the color of soil with purple one or something. And since I like to read Donald when I was childhood and I got the new one of the comic recently—free of charge, it’s my pleasure to paint Donald as well I can put my tender age memories in the air. And the moment I start painted both there is sense—good one. I just put my smile on. I love colors. I do some experiments about blending one color with others, stirred, and found out what those becoming new one. Surprising and get to used with it. love painting.

childhood

the curly one is Alya, she is my niece and she called me Ante and of course the cute one is my sister Ririn. they both actually were in the same age and even in the same age Alya should called Ririn as Ante too. Alya is girl who can befriended to anyone as Ririn too, they both stick with each other and it is really cheers the day up..

FACES

face that I love. face that makes my face younger and if i live with this child i may smile everyday . she is always be sparkling. i think.

there is a pic i forgot to rotate ^^

process

you may twisted by the process so.. you have to see the pictures from the very bottom..

those picture is the process of how Haikal my little brother trying to catch up Ririn's hair cause he was annoyed and fed up by what Ririn has done to him. those picture i have taken with my Cookie 2.0 mega pixel camera and with 6 sequel captures. I love to see how Haikal's face, he was completely happy and satisfy by drawed out her hair. fortunately for Ririn this is legal action is taken place in our yard so there is not hi-screaming and tears. actually this is a daily scene happens in our home, especially in the room. they are fighting over time. i just enjoy the show. and believe me there is no one get hurt in this scheme. lol



P.S gonna miss them much

1-day

officially holiday in Muara Dua was over on a day ago, so it makes me more cheerful to see what my day become in case i am now spending my remains day off in Palembang. well, let see what the city has already. so, i am quite fortune for having Tia here, she is available for me, in order she has no anything too just like me. lonely day in off days. so I said why we just do hang out, buy ticket for cool movie..

i plan to go to DVD stores too. we are gonna see how i am so out of new films..

kagak update.

selalu ketinggalan informasi atau menganggap remeh sebuah ajakan...

dari ajakan jadi lo seagames yang saya anggap remeh dan akhirnya ketempat registrasi setelah mereka tutup..

info ke thailand untuk acara konferensi pemuda, telat dapet info, yang ngajak juga udah pergi kesana.

sekarang info konferensi di aussie, telat juga..

hedeh seharusnya saya yang lebih proaktif dalam mencari informasi..

pokoknya sebelum lulus harus sudah mengikuti event internasional!!! penting tuh buat CV...

bored day comes 2 part 2

Bapisah Untuak Batamu
oleh LOLI ASIR

Babega kumbang malayang-layang
Ulah bungo kambang di jambanga
Indak ka bilang jo uda batamu pandang
Namun cinto alun ta sampaikan

Mamabantang awan di hari patang
Alun tabanam si matohari
Samakin lamo uda denai pandang
Disinan cinto makin manjadi

Layuah bungo nan kambang
Kumbang bamegah tabang malayang
Uda tolonglah tenggang
Buliah cinto denai sampaikan

22.23 p.m
this song is nice and have deep meaning. when I try to reach out the meaning like I watch a couple in love roles out with the storyline of this song. And I imagine that couple is my Mom and my Dad. I remember when my Mom called out my Dad "Uda"...I missed that.

And the way the female singer delivered this song is really knocked out your heart. You can feel that. I love to hear this song over and over. But the best part of this song is... " Disinan cinto makin manajadi." Just wondering what kind of expression's out when the female singer made the video song.

I texted Nia and said " Nia pokoknyo semester ^ Nisa harus pergi ke Padang" tehre is flames in my heart. On my 20 y.o I have to go to Padang Allah please..please..please make this happen. Amin.

"Don't love New York anymore. Now, a lot mind for Padang. Not cause I am Padangnees but concern bout the culture n nature.. Just LOVE Padang. Have to go there this semester. Amin."

NB. please do correct if the lyrics is having some mistakes cause I got that from listening on my own player.

bored day comes 2 part 1

11st of January. Well…well, I am getting older everyday and soon on 13th of January, I am officially 20 y.o . Song title from Britney might suit with me “… I am not a girl not yet a woman….” Lol. Today, it is sort of tough early day to be passed. Everyday I am realizing about how people out there are getting smart and improve. I mean how they change their life into betterment. And not just because they are interested in with something new or in order too get new lifestyle but it more about change the life, your future.
Whereas, I am now on just sit and stand for same ground that I have yesterday. I do some checking info from some people on Facebook, great spirit of young people, seeing their motivation, their achievements, and their belief and compare with me who do not have something great either. I am just get stunning of what they have and what they do and just get shocking, how I am so lived in may comfort zone life. We never open our eyes about things like that. I am feeling like I have spent many years of my calendar life to watch what I have become now in front of my laptop talking about young people greatness not talking about what I have achieved in my life.
Well.. I can talk about me on this whole story but there is nothing to talk about me. I am nothing though there are some achievements I made, I mean every one do achievement, something can make them be proud of, but it’s just a bit achievement. Everybody dreams are special, we are special but why those dream just fading away and we just say this is enough for me or this is a pride that I can take though everyone around me does the same.
See, how we got this so far.

bored day comes 1

After every things has passed away, events, and story. I am somewhat freaky over my self, I mean it is been a long time am not belong with old-me, with I used to be. I was on the track of self-destruction and did not even realize it occurs. Therefore, I guess I am now on the state of realizing what I have become and what things I should fix. It is quite a while even recognizing this situations until it comes with my-father-got-his- attack -from –the- heart (what a word).
Now, I am feeling better but there are still some annoying stuffs, I don’t know what it is. It is bothering me and I don’t even see clearly, what happened. Maybe it just the remains of self-destruction. It is the time for me dealing with self-improvement. However, due to holiday time I am not found anything I can do for self-improvement. Well, it might be this, writing, self-expression.
Only writing? Hell yeah!
I am thinking another thing like go to the some entertain place. Though I have to spend some money. Consider, I am over with just sitting like a fool in the house, just playing around with my laptop, TV, and phone, take a nap. Time has just crawling around. And what I am doing today is just the same with what I was doing yesterday. No progress!! About go to some place, how’s theater? There is Narnia 3 playing. I plan tomorrow with Tia but she just said how if we come to the theater on Thursday. Well, Thursday is my birthday, I plan to go alone to the theater too, and I hope there is cool film. But how pathetic I am! Spending my birthday lonely. But I love to.
Anyway, I am missing my best friends. Yuli, Nia, Pia, Vhani, and Paskah. There was a time I am feeling like no one understands me and I do not need anyone to understand me because I can solve my own problems. And even I have one, he or she can not even imagine what complicated stuffs I face ( I am feeling like I am complicated and special!) and give some advices which is, I conclude, not worthy and waste my time. Now, those girls always are supporting me and gimme some advices somewhat religious. We have shared some problem, chat, and even mock. Girlfriends world is more fascinating and cheerful. I thought it was all about pink, dolls, boys ( when I was junior grades). Now it is cozier. Ngabuburit, laughing, and feeding. I mean we love feeding ourselves in Pak De’s House.
I like becoming mean girl.
Actually, I got upset too with my friends who have been in their own town now. They didn’t even see how hurt I am. I have to celebrate my birthday alone! See, again, PATHETIC! And I ascertain there is no treat for you guys! Just kidding! Maybe I am just not pleasant with this 20 years old as I am so excited with my teen’s celebrations. I got the whole point of being 20 years old from blog walking. So many restricted and you have to be mature on your own ages. Please MATURE!
Things are changes from your teens and there are some burdens for me if someone asks me how old are you..I guess it doesn’t matter at all at any cost. But I am just not comfort to tell people I am 20 y.o and it might make some cost, I mean when I get depress I am going to expend money for feeding my depress heart!! Haaa.. seems like am out of the story line, even from beginning. Hey, it just talking dude!!