Cemetery. When I was there, when I walked on the way to the cemetery , I am tryng to raised up some memories about her. About the one who I am gonna give the world for her best, the one who I let down and the one who I am most pitiful about. It was easy for me to makes those memories comes up and those memories always makes me cry and screaming in my heart. Why!! I hate the way the things could go like this! I hate it. She’s always on my mind, from the time I wake up till I close my eyes and before I go bed, I’ll thinking about her, about how disappointed her about me, how blessed me to have mom like her and how her cursed makes her life like hell when she was with me.. that’s so makes me wanna kill myself.
Mom, there are some people said to me that there are three charity that never gonna stop to help you after you death and its have some Nur to light up your grave. And when I was at cemetery, I thinking about it hardly. I’ve thinking about how you make your charity. Then .. i closed my eyes and try to remember who are you and what you have done. (1) you were a religion guru, and there is a fine line between was being a teacher and doing da’wah..so you got your charity, amal jariyah, (2) you’re a child and a woman, and when I live with you, I know you were a good child, you have a kind with grandma..so you got your charity, a good child, (3) as all people know that you were educated and a teacher, so all you know about Islam you’ve transferred it to your students so you got your charity, shared your knowledge and it’s useful. Utterly, it has into you.
Wow, you’re amazing mom.
Last night, before I went sleep I closed my eyes and try to remember how your face was… it’s makes me feel sad, it’s hard to me to remember the exact face, remember the time we’ve spent together at home and outside. But suddenly, like a light, your face comes like a picture, then you smile to me, I compared it to my smile..well, it’s same, same like my smile..i saw your laugh, same like me..oh..i am glad I could remember those things.
This morning, I went to Etek Indah’s house..and in the end of the visiting, I told Etek Indah’s mom to pray for me for my success. She remarked “ Hadirke Umak kau…”. I got silent.
I’ve never expected that those words comes out. I am feeling motivate and inspiring.
Look Mom, how your greatness influence me so real.
Mom in Allah’s heaven.
May Allah forgive all of your sins, light your grave on, and till death do us meetings and take our time in heaven. I hope you’re still as you’re in my memories. Don’t get older nor younger. Amin.
With big love
From your cursed daughter
